I never expected that televangelist Ted Haggard would emerge from his treatment program a changed person. Haggard got caught with his pants down with Michael Jones, a male hustler. He even admitted buying methamphetamines to heighten their repeated sexual encounters. He says he never took them.

Haggard could have done something worthwhile. He could have left the Arizona center where he supposedly spent three weeks of self examination and proclaimed to all the world that he’s gay and Christian and so what? He could have challenged Christian fundamentalists to deal with their own homophobia. He could have reminded them that the same Bible which condemns queers also nixes wearing the color red, eating certain foods and even touching a menstruating woman.

Instead, Ted Haggard, former head of the National Association of Evangelicals, came back from his therapy sessions with the news that he is completely heterosexual. There’s not even a touch of gayness in him. There never was. If you believe that, let me introduce you to some nice “straight” men on Craig’s List who want to provide oral sex to other guys.

Entering treatment programs is the redemption of choice these days for public figures caught doing something they’re not supposed to be doing. Everyone from former Florida Congressmember Mark Foley to San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom have stood before the cameras and asked forgiveness on the grounds that demon alcohol made them do it. Foley opted for the live-in treatment and Newsom for the take-out. Former First Lady Betty Ford started the craze in the late 70s after publicly confessing that she was addicted to pain killers and alcohol. It’s all been downhill ever since.

Haggard’s speedy recovery has been nothing short of miraculous. Praise the lord and pass the collection plate. Doesn’t God work in mysterious ways?

Not so mysterious, actually.

Haggard had everything: A lucrative ministry, a picture-perfect wife and family, a mansion and a direct line to the big cheese in the sky. Millions adored him. He lost it all when his call boy called a press conference. Jones says he did it because Haggard wouldn’t lay off queers. He thought the televanglist was being a hypocrite. It took him three years to realize that?

No doubt Haggard wants back what he had. Who can blame him? According to members of his old church, with whom Haggard communicated recently, the televangelist is going to pursue getting a masters in psychology. From a computer course. He’s planning to leave Colorado Springs and move to someplace like Missouri or Iowa. Wherever he ends up, I have no doubt that Haggard will land firmly on his feet.

Snake oil salesman always do.

Tommi Avicolli Mecca is a radical, southern Italian, working-class queer performer, writer and activist whose work can be seen at www.avicollimecca.com.