Now that U.S. Senator David Vitter (R-Louisiana) has unburdened himself in public with his confession that he committed “a sin” in the past with the notorious D.C. Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey, it’s time for all male politicians to follow suit.

C’mon, boys, confession is good for the soul. We all have sins that we want to tell the entire world. Get the jump on your rivals. Be the first on your block to admit to doing something that titillates the average American while they’re gulping down their boring breakfast in the morning. Or reading the paper on that long commute to work.

On top of saving reporters the trouble of exposing you, a well-timed confession lets you control how it plays in the media. Those acting lessons will pay off big time. Crocodile tears, too. Spare no emotion. The more you come across as a contrite little boy, the better. Invoke God and family.

Take a lesson from Vitter’s press statement: “Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there — with God and them.” Brilliant.

Many politicians aren’t quite ready to admit that, while they readily vote for laws against the world’s oldest profession, they sometimes seek the services of the ladies of the night. For them, I’ve put together a list of 10 excuses that they can use when their names come up in the notorious Madam’s phone book.

1. I was walking the dog and she invited me in for a latte. I had it with a lot of whipped cream, if you must know.

2. I was doing her hair and makeup. Okay, it’s true, I’m gay. There I said it. Are you happy now?

3. The Republican Convention was in town and the guys signed me up for a legitimate massage as a joke. But I never kept the appointment. I was too drunk on Holy Communion wine. Ask Father Mulligan. He’ll tell you. I’m hooked on the stuff.

4. My car broke down outside her house and I needed to use the phone. That was years ago before there were cell phones. Is it my fault that the iphone wasn’t invented yet? Blame Steve Jobs.

5. The dog ate the legislation I was planning to introduce and I was stressed out. But I only got a massage. I never took my clothes off. I still have the red shirt in my closet with the massage oil stain.

6. We were exchanging recipes. I was moonlighting as a chef in a fancy D.C. restaurant. It’s a hobby. All I can say is she really knows how to work the meat.

7. I needed someone to talk to. I thought she was running a legitimate counseling service. I had no idea she was a prostitute. In fact, I didn’t even know what a prostitute was. My mother never allowed me to use words like that.

8. I was doing research for a book on prostitution. No, I don’t have a book contract, it was all in the preliminary stages. I’ve since abandoned the project.

9. I had no idea who she was. Someone gave me her number and said she did wonders with back problems. I’d been working so hard after 9/11 fighting terrorism that I had carpal tunnel syndrome and such bad back pain that I couldn’t sleep. Freedom was all I could think about.

10. If you question me about this, the terrorists win.

Tommi Avicolli Mecca is a radical, southern Italian, working-class, atheist queer performer and writer with a website: www.avicollimecca.com