“New immigration rules will force undocumented workers to be fired”
--headline in the SF Chronicle, August 11

What a shame that Native Americans didn’t have a border patrol when Christopher Columbus arrived on the shores of Cuba in 1492. “Okay, whaddaya got in that boat? You better not be trying to smuggle in Paris Hilton or George Bush."

With all the weapons on board, not to mention the Small Pox-infested blankets, Chris would have been heading back to Spain in no time at all. Maybe he could have gone to work for Isabel the Catholic, as Queen Isabella was known, deporting Moors and Jews who wouldn’t convert. Or at least running the Inquisition.

What a shame there wasn’t a Homeland Security around to greet those ships bearing the Puritans, that bunch of fundamentalist crazies that even England didn’t want. “You came here for what? Religious freedom? Sorry, that’s not on our amnesty list this year. Come back and try again. Now, if you wanna work 10 hours a day, seven days a week in the hot sun picking corn, we can arrange that. But we still won’t give you proper papers, so we can kick you out anytime our meshugenah president feels the urge.”

What a shame the conquistadors weren’t forced to produce passports or green cards for the indigenous folks who first encountered them. “Sorry, no papers, no raping and pillaging our lands for your church and country. We don’t care if your god has more weapons of mass destruction than ours. You need a work permit to destroy our cities and steal our gold.”

What a shame the settlers heading west in their covered wagons weren’t met by a huge electrified fence that stretched from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico. Not to mention the 19th Century Indian version of the Minutemen Project. “You think it’s what? Manifest Destiny that you spread your colonies all across this land, push the native peoples into reservations and kill the buffalo that has fed them for centuries? Sorry, delusional white foreigners with a sense of entitlement just don’t cut it with us. Even if you do promise to give us casinos someday.”

What a shame that when the starving and huddled masses from Europe started flooding into Ellis Island, Anglo Americans greeted them in a manner that would become all too familiar: “What?! You don’t speak English? You’re unskilled laborers? You don’t have college degrees or family pedigrees the DAR recognizes? Don’t you see the sign? No Irish/Italian/Eastern Europeans/Jews Need Apply. It’s in every shop window.”

What a shame that when France shipped over the Statue of Liberty, it wasn’t returned to sender marked “Addressee Undeserving.”

Tommi Avicolli Mecca is a radical, southern Italian, working-class, atheist queer writer and performer with a webpage: www.avicollimecca.com