“They’ll do it every time” was a famous newspaper comic strip of the 40's that took a humorous poke at human foibles. It’s still running in about 100 newspapers across the country. Here’s a few local items that belong in the strip.

1) Happy Halloween, Newsom/Dufty-style: After last year’s horrible Halloween in the Castro, during which nine people were injured in a shootout, District 8 Supervisor Bevan Dufty and Mayor Gavin Newsom promised a safer celebration outside of the neighborhood this year. Plans to move the annual party were announced with great fanfare, then fell through with only two months to go.

Now the supe and the mayor want to declare their version of Martial Law: They’ve asked local merchants to close their shops and plan to surround the area with cops.

I have a better idea: The City should erect a giant fence to wall off the hood. It could even have an S/M motif, with barbed wire and guard towers with scary looking guys in uniform. Martha Stewart or those boys from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” could be asked to decorate it so that it’s tasteful. That’s important in the Castro. Homeland Security could be on hand to make sure no terrorists or illegal immigrants sneak through disguised as chorus girls.

It gives me such pride to know that a queer supervisor wants to lock down a gay neighborhood with a police force that once rioted in the Castro, smashing windows and clubbing ACT UP members who were peacefully protesting. As Dylan once sang, “It’s all right ma, I’m only bleeding.”

Perhaps Newsom and Dufty should’ve had a backup plan.

2) We see you, but we still don’t know who you are: The SF Chronicle reports that the $500,000 worth of security cameras that the City of San Francisco has placed on street corners in high-crime neighborhoods has been proven totally ineffective in solving homicides. Pictures from the videos are often too blurry to identify anyone committing a crime. Even the $200,000 the SF Housing Authority spent on the spy ware has failed to produce any tangible results.

So much for Big Brother tactics in the most liberal city in America. Perhaps the city should’ve listened to neighborhood activists who asked for community and police foot patrols. It would have been a lot cheaper, and may even have produced some positive results, such as stopping some of the violence plaguing those areas. Politicians will do it every time.

3) Smiley faces for MUNI. On the lighter side, I have a solution to those irritating bus rides on overcrowded vehicles with drivers that couldn’t be grumpier if they woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Install life-sized cardboard figures in the front of the buses (next to the fare box) with a smiley face in place of a human one and a computerized voice that greets riders as they board: “Welcome to MUNI, abandon all hope of getting anywhere on time, but have a great day!”

Sure beats being constantly snapped at by someone in a uniform who obviously hates his or her job.

Tommi Avicolli Mecca is a radical, southern Italian, working-class, atheist queer performer and writer with a webpage: www.avicollimecca.com